Great Guy Pal Needs to Come Out of His Cave

Martin and Josie Brown
Sat, 22 Feb 2014 21:00:00 -0800
Lifestyle

Dear John: Recently I reconnected with a great guy pal. Our relationship goes back about 20 years, and we are both recently divorced. We were emailing and talking for about six months. He is introverted and definitely goes into his cave periodically. I know we disagreed about moving forward with our relationship, but then, out of the blue, he just quit emailing me without a word as to why he made this decision. Is it possible he's been in his cave these past two weeks? He's really been a good friend, and even if we can't move forward in a relationship, I want to keep the friendship. What should I do now? — Kicked to the Curb, in Cincinnati

Dear Kicked to the Curb: If you previously emailed him your desire to take the relationship to the next step, you may have pushed him away. I'm sure there are things about your relationship that he's probably missing, but he is afraid you'll scold him for being remiss these past few weeks. To let him know there are no hard feelings between you, send him an email that is upbeat, informative of what's been going on in your life, and nonaccusatory of his lapse of correspondence. Be sure not to nudge him to take the relationship to the next level, since that is obviously not his current wish. Real friends don't push; they support.

Dear John: I recently divorced "Larry." Now our 6-year-old daughter doesn't want to go with him on the weekends. She says she misses me too much. When she cries, her father only tells her to "buck it up." I tried to talk to my ex-husband to see what we can do, but he is closed off from me. He is the kind of man who thinks he is always right and that other people have a problem. What should I do? — Kid in the Middle, in Tampa, Fla.
Updated: Sun Feb 23, 2014

Dear John: Recently I reconnected with a great guy pal. Our relationship goes back about 20 years, and we are both recently divorced. We were emailing and talking for about six months. He is introverted and definitely goes into his cave periodically. I know we disagreed about moving forward with our relationship, but then, out of the blue, he just quit emailing me without a word as to why he made this decision. Is it possible he's been in his cave these past two weeks? He's really been a good friend, and even if we can't move forward in a relationship, I want to keep the friendship. What should I do now? — Kicked to the Curb, in Cincinnati

Dear Kicked to the Curb: If you previously emailed him your desire to take the relationship to the next step, you may have pushed him away. I'm sure there are things about your relationship that he's probably missing, but he is afraid you'll scold him for being remiss these past few weeks. To let him know there are no hard feelings between you, send him an email that is upbeat, informative of what's been going on in your life, and nonaccusatory of his lapse of correspondence. Be sure not to nudge him to take the relationship to the next level, since that is obviously not his current wish. Real friends don't push; they support.

Dear John: I recently divorced "Larry." Now our 6-year-old daughter doesn't want to go with him on the weekends. She says she misses me too much. When she cries, her father only tells her to "buck it up." I tried to talk to my ex-husband to see what we can do, but he is closed off from me. He is the kind of man who thinks he is always right and that other people have a problem. What should I do? — Kid in the Middle, in Tampa, Fla.

Dear Kid in the Middle: While it is natural for your daughter to miss you, you must remember that her father has a legal right to be with her, too. Here are some ways to make her feel more secure about leaving you. First, when she is in your home and complains about her father, listen to her and validate her feelings, but don't overreact. Explain to her that, in his own way, her daddy is doing his best to love her. Next, reassure her that when she is with her daddy but misses you, she may pick up the phone and call you at any time. Be sure to get an answering machine so that she has the added comfort of knowing that she reached you, even if you're not at home. In this manner, you'll support your child, and at the same time, acknowledge your ex-husband's rights.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.