Ex-Husband Paying More Attention to New Family

Martin and Josie Brown
Wed, 26 Feb 2014 21:00:00 -0800
Lifestyle

Dear John: My ex-husband "Ruben" got married one year after we divorced. We have two boys ages 16 and 20. The older son doesn't have much to do with his father. Our younger son sees him about once every month. After dating this woman for two months, Ruben married her last week and did not tell his children, but talked about it with his stepchildren, who are 12 and 16. He still has not told his own kids! I do not love my ex-husband, but I am very hurt. He is painting such a wonderful picture of life with this instant family and won't pay attention to his own kids. He also is doing things with his new wife that he wouldn't do with me, like taking vacations and remodeling the house. Please let me know how I should feel about this, and how you think my kids should react. — Disappointed, in Greenville, S.C.

Dear Disappointed: Believe me when I say I feel your pain. It comes through in almost every sentence you have written. You talk about the pain that he has caused your boys, but you have not spoken much about all the pain you are feeling. It's my sense that the deepness of this pain is making it much harder for your sons to heal from the hurt that they must be feeling as well.

You know in your heart that you can't prevent your ex from being inconsiderate and/or cruel to you, his sons or anyone else he encounters. So focus on those things you can change. This begins with accepting the very great sense of loss and pain you feel over both the divorce and his subsequent behavior. Even if you do not grieve the loss of your ex, you do grieve the loss of love in your life, and that is OK.
Updated: Thu Feb 27, 2014

Dear John: My ex-husband "Ruben" got married one year after we divorced. We have two boys ages 16 and 20. The older son doesn't have much to do with his father. Our younger son sees him about once every month. After dating this woman for two months, Ruben married her last week and did not tell his children, but talked about it with his stepchildren, who are 12 and 16. He still has not told his own kids! I do not love my ex-husband, but I am very hurt. He is painting such a wonderful picture of life with this instant family and won't pay attention to his own kids. He also is doing things with his new wife that he wouldn't do with me, like taking vacations and remodeling the house. Please let me know how I should feel about this, and how you think my kids should react. — Disappointed, in Greenville, S.C.

Dear Disappointed: Believe me when I say I feel your pain. It comes through in almost every sentence you have written. You talk about the pain that he has caused your boys, but you have not spoken much about all the pain you are feeling. It's my sense that the deepness of this pain is making it much harder for your sons to heal from the hurt that they must be feeling as well.

You know in your heart that you can't prevent your ex from being inconsiderate and/or cruel to you, his sons or anyone else he encounters. So focus on those things you can change. This begins with accepting the very great sense of loss and pain you feel over both the divorce and his subsequent behavior. Even if you do not grieve the loss of your ex, you do grieve the loss of love in your life, and that is OK.

More than anything else, those sons of yours want you to be happy. Keep that in mind when you consider how to deal with this issue and move forward from there. This will not be an easy process, and you may need some help in doing so. Consider working with a family counselor. You should also check out the many books that deal with the healing process after a divorce. My book on that subject, "Mars and Venus Starting Over," may help you put things into perspective. You are going to have to create the change you are seeking. Start by healing, and then spread that love to those two boys of yours.

Dear John: My wife, "Teri," has a habit of bringing up conflict issues when we're around friends and family. When Teri does this, she focuses on making me look like the bad one. Of course, when this happens, we get mad at each other in front of our company. It is the worst feeling to have people looking at us and our problems! Why is this happening? — Her Dolt, in Sarasota, Fla.

Dear Dolt: My guess is that Teri may be looking for an audience who can support her point of view. Whatever her reason, you're right: It's inappropriate for her to air your problems in public. It makes you uncomfortable, and your guests feel caught in the middle. They didn't come for a floor show. The next time Teri starts in, ignore it. If the silent treatment doesn't work, walk off the stage: Excuse yourself to your guests, and go for a walk around the block. Your friends will understand and respect your decision. After they have gone, ask Teri to consider airing her grievances to a smaller audience: you and a family counselor.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.