Husband Doesn't Talk About His Worries

Martin and Josie Brown
Sat, 08 Mar 2014 21:00:00 -0800
Lifestyle

Dear John: My husband, "Max," will not talk about things that worry him. I guess he thinks if he doesn't talk about them, everything will be all right. There is no touching in our marriage, no sex, no romance. I love him, and I know he loves me. He feels as long as he works hard for his family, nothing is wrong. But I need more. How do I let him know this? — Needing More, in Evanston, Ill.

Dear Needing: You have raised two issues: Max's inability to talk with you about problems, and the lack of passion in your relationship. In regard to the first issue, he probably does not want to worry you with problems he is facing or feeling. Has he shared problems in the past? At that time, in an attempt to seem helpful, did you give advice that he may have deemed unsolicited? Take a moment to reflect on how you've reacted to his previous concerns. Let him know that you remember these times, and that you apologize for reacting in a way that may have pushed him away, but that you cherish your connection with him and hope that he will again feel comfortable opening up to you.

As for the passion, don't put him on the defensive by telling him that he doesn't touch you or isn't romantic enough. Instead, let him in on the secret that, for women, touching helps you to connect with a sense of well-being. Ask if he will touch you affectionately. It does not have to be sexual, but should the issue arise, go with the moment.
Updated: Sun Mar 09, 2014

Dear John: My husband, "Max," will not talk about things that worry him. I guess he thinks if he doesn't talk about them, everything will be all right. There is no touching in our marriage, no sex, no romance. I love him, and I know he loves me. He feels as long as he works hard for his family, nothing is wrong. But I need more. How do I let him know this? — Needing More, in Evanston, Ill.

Dear Needing: You have raised two issues: Max's inability to talk with you about problems, and the lack of passion in your relationship. In regard to the first issue, he probably does not want to worry you with problems he is facing or feeling. Has he shared problems in the past? At that time, in an attempt to seem helpful, did you give advice that he may have deemed unsolicited? Take a moment to reflect on how you've reacted to his previous concerns. Let him know that you remember these times, and that you apologize for reacting in a way that may have pushed him away, but that you cherish your connection with him and hope that he will again feel comfortable opening up to you.

As for the passion, don't put him on the defensive by telling him that he doesn't touch you or isn't romantic enough. Instead, let him in on the secret that, for women, touching helps you to connect with a sense of well-being. Ask if he will touch you affectionately. It does not have to be sexual, but should the issue arise, go with the moment.

Dear John: Four years ago, I walked away from a horrible marriage. Unfortunately, I had to leave my two children with my ex-husband. I have been in and out of court trying to get custody of my children and lower the child support my ex-husband expects me to pay. Because of his vindictiveness, I have seen my children only once since I left, although he allows them to call me once a week. I moved out of state with a male platonic friend. We have since started a relationship. Through my various court battles, "James" has been by my side. But lately, he's grown distant. Our lovemaking has deteriorated. We both want to move on from my past, but he feels we can't do this until this situation is resolved.

Meanwhile, my ex-husband is jealous. He swears that my children will never meet James. I am at a loss. I love James with all my heart, but should I walk away from this man and let him have what would likely be a more peaceful life? — At a Crossroads, in Buffalo, N.Y.

Dear Crossroads: Life's setbacks can indeed pull couples apart or draw them together. A man wants to be the "knight in shining armor" and solve all of your problems. Unfortunately, divorces — especially those in which children and money are an issue — are complicated and take time to resolve. Over the years, James has watched your anxiety grow. He must be feeling some frustration over the fact that he hasn't been able to "fix" this situation for you.

Although he is powerless to change the legal issues involving your case, he needs to know that he has been instrumental in supporting your emotional well-being. Reinforce to him your appreciation for all that he has done. Whenever you get upset about this issue, challenge yourself to move beyond your negative feelings and onto more positive ones — which James has been instrumental in helping to provide.